Business cards

So I am trying to.design a business card for myself. It is turning out surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. There us so much to consider. Design, layout, images, font, color, font size, cut...the list is a bit daunting. Then there is the implication and psychology behind the choices, another thought provoking romp through the psyche.
   I need a card that says professional yet fun. Reliable and trustworthy with a dash of sophistication and flair. Something that says I'm stable but don't back me into a corner cuz I'll knife you if I have to. An image that is presented that let's prospective employers know I am diligent about burying that large bag in the desert, yet discrete enough to not ask questions. A card that endorses me as a quality investment for employment and a good companion as a wingman on a sex tour through the ghettos of Bangkok.
I have it narrowed it down to plain white with a tasteful black border and Helvetica font as one choice and the other a picture of a clown with a ball gag in it's mouth tied to the back of an gorilla that has elephantitis of the testicles with comic sans.

Contender

I coudda been one.