Business cards

So I am trying to.design a business card for myself. It is turning out surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. There us so much to consider. Design, layout, images, font, color, font size, cut...the list is a bit daunting. Then there is the implication and psychology behind the choices, another thought provoking romp through the psyche.
   I need a card that says professional yet fun. Reliable and trustworthy with a dash of sophistication and flair. Something that says I'm stable but don't back me into a corner cuz I'll knife you if I have to. An image that is presented that let's prospective employers know I am diligent about burying that large bag in the desert, yet discrete enough to not ask questions. A card that endorses me as a quality investment for employment and a good companion as a wingman on a sex tour through the ghettos of Bangkok.
I have it narrowed it down to plain white with a tasteful black border and Helvetica font as one choice and the other a picture of a clown with a ball gag in it's mouth tied to the back of an gorilla that has elephantitis of the testicles with comic sans.

Contender

I coudda been one.

Monsters

What I don't understand about people who to find monsters, like Bigfoot, is why would someone want to find a monster? One more scary thing on this planet to worry about? No, thanks. Leave the imaginary monsters where they are. In the minds of crazy people.
  I guess I think there are plenty scary enough things that already exist. Things like child molesters, terrorists, Jimmy Buffet, rapists. I mean really, like we need something creepier than ostriches. Have you see an ostrich up close? They are fucking freaky. Their heads stay straight while it moves up, down, left or right. That long weird neck and the huge talons on their feet. Freeee-keeee. Gah. Freaky.
  Or how about cabbage patch dolls. All nylon-y with yarn covered melons for heads. Ew.
Have you seen Axl Rose and Lana Del Ray together? *shudder*
There is plenty of scary without finding out Bigfoot lives behind your house and is hungry.

Atheist because...

I am an atheist. People become atheist for many reasons, mostly because religion starts to make less and less sense the more people digg into it until it makes no sense at all. Some people think it it's because some life event has made a person angry at God. This is never really the case, except in my case.
"Angry at God?" You say! Yes. Angry. Why would anyone be angry at God? Surely it is all part of some plan. Some deluded, aimless, incomprehensible plan to fuck with people. Oh, I'm angry all right. Not because my life didn't work out the easy I wanted. Not because my entire family, including cousins, were all killed right in front of me in a horrible family picture/out of control hot dog vendor cart accident. Not because my partner was killed two days before retirement from the police force by a ruthless gang. not because I got a B in interpersonal relations class in high school when I clearly deserved an A. Not because of LOL cats.not because of Lindsey Lohan. Not because of the tome I spent in a Bolivian prison. Not because I was trapped in an old well. Not because of Jimmy Buffet. Okay, maybe a little bit because of Jimmy Buffet. Not because of any of those reasons.
  It's because he still owes me like two months rent and I know he still has my Yes 'In The Round' bootleg. Jerk. He thinks he's funny? Well when no one believes in him anymore, we'll see whose laughing then. God, what a Dick.

Management meeting.

So I am being sent to classes on how to be an effective manager. In my current job I am not a manager. I am sort of a foreman. I am not really sure why my bosses thought this was a good idea, because I will only call them out on poor management techniques from here on out. I believe it is a very corporate style of management training, too. I do not work in an office. Where I work, we are free range sort of workers. We meander around and eat a little grass here and drink a little water there and eventually there is a product that falls out of our asses. I am looking forward to asking inappropriate questions and using it as blog fodder.
I just want to write 'blog fodder' again because I like it.

Katy Perry

I was recently trapped in a vehicle with a 9 year old singing Katy Perry songs. I think I now know where the concept of hell comes from. Things that get to me worse?
Those half SUV/half pickup truck things.
Star Wars references to parts 1-3.
People who can't park.
Cheap beer.
People who burp and don't excuse themselves.
Sculpy.
Instant coffee.
The word turbo on anything other than a car.
Ultimate fighting.
Elves.
Hand sanitizer.
Rochambeau-ing for anything.
The word 'Oregonian'.
Lists.
Done. I'm done now.

Hot when I'm cold, la la la...

Voting. It's not just for smart people anymore.

Take me for instance. I have a fourth grade education and work as a doorstop, yet I am allowed to vote. Pretty fricken' cool. The other day I was wandering around, totally baked, when I saw a bunch of people walking into a school. I am looking at the 'Vote here' sign over the door when it dawns on me...IT'S VOTING DAY! I love voting because afterward you get a sucker. I head in the door and after the longest wait of my life I get my ballot. I hope next time I don't have to wait the ten minutes because it is a bit of a buzzkill.
I get to the voting booth with my ballot and pick up the pen. I immediately fill in the wrong circle. I ask for another ballot. I immediately fill in the wrong circle again.  I get another ballot. This time I am doing just fine until I see the name Richard Headstrom. Heeheeeheheheheeeheee. Dick Head-strum. Heheeheeheee. I can't stop giggling. I look over at the woman next to me and show her the name. She doesn't find it amusing. Maybe she doesn't get it, so I explain it to her. I get a tap on the shoulder from one of the election people. He tells me to mind my own business. I mind my own business I say as I grab my crotch. "Dick Head-strum. "
He then asks me to leave. I tell him to go to hell, I was just trying to share a voting joke with the lovely lady next to me. Election dude grabs my shirt. I grab onto the voting booth and start to scream "Leave me alone you Dick Head-strum lover!"
   He has my feet off the ground pulling me and I am laughing so hard i loose my grip. My upper half hits the floor hard and my ears start to ring really loud. I mean so loud I can't hear what anyone is saying. Poll worker guy and two others are dragging me by my feet to the door.
   I still can't stop laughing and screaming "WHERE IS MY SUCKER?"
  I get pushed out the door and told not to come back. I guess I will be adding this to the list of things not to do while voting. Dang. I need some Doritos.