Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Open letter.

What is with open letters. Why do that? I have an open letter for everyone who writes an open letter. 
Dear Everyone Who Writes Open Letters,
Knock it off.  Really.  If you have something to say,  just say it.  Call a press conference.  If no one shows up then clearly you don't have an opinion people care to hear.   That is all.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

Flying high

So being on a plane always ssems a bit weird. I am thirty thousand feet in the air. Thirty thousand feet. Looking at something thirty thousand feet away doesn't even make sense. From this height i can identify fields. That is about it. Plus I'm super high. So everything is making even less sense. I mean, I've den high before but this is crazy. I have no idea how I'm going to land this plane. All these buttons and levers and shit. I mean, shit. There is a lot going on in here. God damn this room is small. It's getting a little tough to breath. Maybe I'll go for a walk. I don't know if i can take to more hours of this. Shit.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Left in the car on a hot day.

It's been hot and humid here. 90+ degrees with dew points in the 70s. Every year this happens and every year they warn on the TV about how hot it gets in the car with the windows up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Closed car, hot day, blah blah blah. I've been sitting in this car in the sun with the windows up for like an hour and twenty minutes now, and sure I'm a bit sweaty, but really it's not that bad. And okay, I've barfed, but I did have leftover sushi I found on the back seat that I forgot to bring in. So that is probably the reason for that. And for some reason I can't seem to focus my eyes. and maybe I'm getting a bit dizzy. But that is normal after a few beers. Okay, seven beers. Hey, I'm thirsty.  I am having a little trouble focusing my attention. I think the biggest problem is I'm listening to the country music station and I'm kinda liking it. That is not normal. I'm usually more of a dub-step kind of guy. Huh.
I guess I'm doing okay. I thought I was doing better than my friend in the trunk because of all the screaming earlier, but he is so quiet now. I guess he is doing just fine.  
Is this a Statler Brothers song? I wonder if they are really brothers.

Monday, July 8, 2013

You were right.

You were right. I know you love to hear me say it, and you know how much I hate saying it. But really, you were right. I shouldn't have tried to get up on stage at the Bieber concert. You said they would kick me out and they did.
You were right too, about not trying to hug him. It really only did make it worse.
You were right about not drinking so much at your work party. I will help you look for another job. In my defense, I really thought your boss was a man. Screaming "that dude is going into the ladies room!" Was a bit of a mistake.
You were right about wearing underwear under the kilt to the local Scottish festival. I guess I thought the fact it was put on by the local church was irrelevant. Or that it was a fund raiser for the children's day care. Sorry.
You were right about me trying to buy gifts for your side of the family. I really thought SexWorld gift certificates would be appreciated.
You were right about police not having a sense of humor about a gun shaped wallet when i got pulled over.  Or the jokes about drugs. And bombs. I thought cops had a better sense of humor.
You were right about eating ask those Mentos and then chugging down the two liter bottle of diet Coke at your uncle's funeral. Plus, doing it in the viewing line was not very smart of me either, probably.
You were right. On the other hand, me telling you you are right makes me right. So, score one for me! Right?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Sitting quietly

I wonder how long I can sit here quietly before someone asks something of me. I've been sitting here for about twenty minutes and several people have passed by without looking at me. Trying not to make eye contact is the hardest part. If I do, someone will surely ask me to do something and I am having none of that.
   Maybe if I keep looking intently at a page with some writing on it and frown people will think I shouldn't be disturbed.
  This is working out pretty well.
"Excuse me, could I get a number three with a side of coleslaw?".


New word

I made up a new word by combining two other words. It refers to the act of saving and enslaving people at the same time. It is a reference to religions.
Your welcome.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Business cards

So I am trying to.design a business card for myself. It is turning out surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. There us so much to consider. Design, layout, images, font, color, font size, cut...the list is a bit daunting. Then there is the implication and psychology behind the choices, another thought provoking romp through the psyche.
   I need a card that says professional yet fun. Reliable and trustworthy with a dash of sophistication and flair. Something that says I'm stable but don't back me into a corner cuz I'll knife you if I have to. An image that is presented that let's prospective employers know I am diligent about burying that large bag in the desert, yet discrete enough to not ask questions. A card that endorses me as a quality investment for employment and a good companion as a wingman on a sex tour through the ghettos of Bangkok.
I have it narrowed it down to plain white with a tasteful black border and Helvetica font as one choice and the other a picture of a clown with a ball gag in it's mouth tied to the back of an gorilla that has elephantitis of the testicles with comic sans.