Thursday, October 11, 2012

fighting sickness

So, I've been fighting off some sort of viral/bacterial thing for like three weeks. I feel I am on the verge of a full blown sickness that will completely incapacitate me. It started with the sniffles and a sore throat. That went away and was replaced by abdominal swelling and a headache. That went away. Then came the mild fever and red spots, gone, replaced by a thick southern accent and the shakes. Then fine again. Next came the crappie flops and red eyes. Fine again. Then the bachelors in philosophy and mumbles. Gone. A bout of the gout and a bit of the nit. A spell of the swell and a slight of the blight. A single malt Dimple Pinch, a urban ram rod, a pickle dreamcicle, a prevailing westerly, a nor-easter, an orthadox easter and an el nino. All gone as quick as they came.
  I kind of wish it would all be done with. Now I feel a speck of the rigor mortis coming on. I hope this will be enough to keep me home for a few days. I could use the rest.

Monday, October 8, 2012

scry it, you'll like it.

Have you ever tried scrying? You know, looking into a piece of mirror or a crystal ball? I was reading about some asshat religious dude that was having visions about the end times, presumably to make some extra cash, and I thought I would give it a try.
Let me say here that I have never tried scrying and have been doubtful of it's use to tell the future or tell anything about anything. I was resigned to give it an honest try. I found a apiece of mirror and a couple candles. I found a bit of transparent cloth and draped it over the mirror so I could make out my form but not my reflection. I lit some incense and the candles. To help the process I dropped six hits of acid took two ecstasy and liked some Central American frogs. I then put on Tubular Bells, turned off the lights and got to staring.  
     It didn't take long for me to get to the visions.
    The first thing I saw was a vision of a church. It was dark abandoned and foreboding. In front of it was a man walking slowly toward me. He was telling me I should buy a George Foreman Grill. I can only assume this meant the end of the world was nigh.
   The next vision I had  contained a large tentacled statue forty or 50 feet high. it was either something from Cthulu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster and standing in front of it was H. P. Lovecraft or Bob Barker, I'm not sure which. That may sound weird, but in real life I can't tell them apart. H. P. Barkercraft had a quail on his head and was wearing lederhosen. I took this to mean the apocalypse was at hand.
  My next vision was of a My Little Pony, one from the new cartoon, not the old ones, the new ones are way cooler and incorporate a rather sophisticated humor at times compared to the old ones that were way more Hannah-Barbera with shitty scripts. You know what I mean, right? Oh, so anyway, the pony was racing around looking for some restraints and talking about getting back to the castle dungeon before her captive escaped the ropes because they just weren't strong enough.  She was worried that whatever it was would destroy the world with its evil. I could hear it screaming from the depths of the castle from where I stood outside the castle gates. Bloodcurdling howls of pure rage and spite. The ground rumbled and my chest pounded from the creature pounding the ground under it. The creature within was breaking free. Other Ponies inside were waging a horrific battle to keep it contained. By the sounds within I could tell it was a losing battle. The rumble was getting louder and louder. The creature was free and lumbering toward the gates. The gates and the wall around were bulging with the strain of the creature pushing out, pushing for freedom of itself and for the oppression of everything free in the world.
  I snapped out of this vision knowing what I had to do. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. I will start my OWN My Little Pony  bondage fan fic site. I will call it Visit often.
This scrying thing is awesome!

Saint days

I have realized how religions have taken over the world in the large ways, like making everything a sin, or killing non believers, but i have realized there are much more subtle ways. There is the putting symbols everywhere, sneaking it on money, and electing politicians that are "morally" objecting to normal things. But here is one that no one thinks about. Saint days. Every day has a saint attached to it. some days have many saints attached to them. Do you want a National Athiest Day, funny how it will fall on St. Assington of Dribbleford,s day. His miracle was saving some boys from liking girls. Do you want a National Kristoffer (Kris) Kristofferson Day? Awww, it falls on Saint Rubbins of Crotcherties' Day. Self explanatory joke miracle. Want a National Day For Slipping On Ice Awareness? You should have been here in 1361 when Saint Wankering of Lubington saved the town from losing the town clock from rusting gears.
The point being, you don't get a day that doesn't already have a saint named after it. Fucking saint days. the only real was to bury them is continue to pile on more and more dedicated days til the saints are so deep that they become mulch.
Also, December 25'th is now Enmelishment Day.