Monday, August 29, 2011

It's easy to steal a bus

It's pretty easy to steal a bus. The driver often steps off the bus and leaves it running. It's really not the stealing part that hard, it's the driving part. I mean sure, straight line is pretty easy. A lot of the busses are automatics so you don't even have to shift. But really when you have police on your ass and you have a busfull of screaming casino goers and plus your cohorts are firing shots out the back blown out window and one shooting out the open side door and you have a blown outside rear tire and the sirens, I mean fuck! The sirens are so fucking loud when they are that close! Plus there is like eight of them and the bus feels like it's gonna roll right the fuck over every corner and it's worse when you curb it. On the up side, it's not like anyone is gonna run a bus off the road and with all the old people on board no one is shooting back and so you sideswipe a car or sixteen, big deal.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's easy but the get away is a bit tough. Prepare for some serious time.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

When you hear a bang

When you hear a bang and you think it's a car. Or a firecracker. Or a gun.
When you hear a whizzing sound above you and you think it's a bug. Or a toy. Or a bullet.
Bang. Off in a burst of smoke. Up at an angle over the head of the intended. Past the corner of a house. Past an open window of a bedroom where a girl is braiding her hair in a cracked mirror. Past the eves of the next house. Over the roof tops of the next block. And the next. Over the parking lot of the convienience store where several people are turning toward the sound of the exploding propellant. Block after block. The zenith. The slow return to earth. The slowing generates a low buzz. Over rooftops and sloping below the eves. Over a picnic table in a backyard full of friends drinking wine. They look up hearing the buzz. Over fences and into a yard. Landing at the feet of a couple in lawn chairs. A small sound enough for a dog to lift an ear.
When you hear a bang it is a gun.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Here is my problem

My problem is that when events of the day are depressing and things in my life are stressful I have no desire to write. I really want to write about how Michelle Bachmann and her gay husband are perfect examples of what is wrong with disillusioned America and it's selfish pathetic pettiness. But that is not really what this blog is about. I want to write about the new bible thumper we hired at work and how that person fucking irritates me. That is not really what this blog is about either. It's supposed to be happy funny funtime carchase blog. Dammit.
I'm should go out for a drive. Get my car and hit a hundred. That usually clears my head. I think people would be suprised how many times I hit a hundred miles per hour in a year. And where I do it may suprise people. It's usually coming down a long onramp onto a freeway. And school zones. And church parking lots. And side streets, zoos, malls, football fields, and velodromes. Come to think of it, I don't think I drive anywhere under a hundred. That would certainly explain the bad gas milage. Hmm...
So anyway, I think I need to get out a little more. I am taking a week vacation and plan to go on some local tours and see some museums. There is always a chance of mayhem at a museum. I wonder if a tour bus cam go a hundred. I'll have to test that theory.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

About craigslist.

So my big plan was to do an interesting post about Craigslist. Some sort of chase, or fight, or something exciting. But I got nothing. I could not come up with any scenario that would cause enough excitement. It's craigslist. It's all a little creepy at best. The only thing I could think of were creepy things. Maybe something will pop into my head. Fucking Craigslist.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

So, Craigslist. Yeah.

I find craigslist kinda weird. I like it but it brings out the people who would probably not leave the house normally. I also find it weird when people contact you to tell you they have found the samething you are selling, but at a better price. Probably hoping you drop your price and repost. I also think it's weird when they put something up for sale and a higher price that new. They obviously have the Internet. Google that shit, people.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Authority and me

Authority and me. We don't get along. We never have and probably never will. Yesterday, for instance, I pulled in front of an unmarked police vehicle. He was going slow, and me being the horribly impatient driver that I am, sped up, flipped the signal and pulled in front of him. He then speeds up behind me and me thinking "speed up now, asshole, not when there is no one in front of you, but when you have someone to follow. Fucking sheep.". What I should have been thinking was "Is that a spotlight attached to the side of that SUV? It sure is. I bet that is an unmarked police vehicle.".
I pull up to a stop light. To give you a bit of local color here, I am crossing into downtown Minneapolis on the Cetral Avenue bridge. Stopping at the stop light at the end of the bridge leaves the car still on the bridge. Waiting there, the bridge moves under the car from the weight of the passing and stopping cars. Not only is the feelin unsettling, but from that location the view of the 35W bridge is afforded. The new one that replaced the one that collapsed during rush hour and killed thirteen people. It is am unpleasant feeling all around.
The SUV pulls up next to me A full car lenghten and a half away from the car in front of him. I am trying to ignore him. He honks his horn. I look over. He has his window down and is leaning out. I lower the passenger window and he asks if my signals are working. I say they are working just fine. *cough* pig *cough*. He looks at me hard. I see his doo opening as the light turns green. I check my rear view mirror. Nothing. I throw it in reverse and punch it. As I quickly hit forty miles per hour (that's KPH for metric users) in reverse I see him trying desparately to negotiate a u turn on a bridge with a car behind him, two lanes of oncoming traffic, and while screaming into a CB with a great amount of failure. I hit the brakes, turn hard right swinging the front end left and around, at about one hundred and twenty degrees I jamb it in drive and punch the gas pedal down. The inertia carries me around and at the one eighty I have lost only five miles per hour which I quickly make up. I blow through the first light and make a hard right onto University Ave. I will be heading through the UofM campus and that could be problematic. I am up to seventy in no time. I can see flashing lights in my rear view. I have a very good head start. It won't be long before I lose what I have gained. I hang a quick left and another onto fourth. I slow to normal speed and pretend like nothing has happened. I look left and see two squads headed after me in the oppsite direction. I get back up to Central Ave. and turn left.four blocks later I am on the bridge again. I pull up to the stop light at the end of the bridge. I notice an SUV pull up next to me. I am trying to ignore him. He honks his horn. I look over. He is leaning out his window. I lower my passenger window. He leans out and asks me if my respect for authority is broken. I tell him it is. He tells me to get it fixed or next time it will be a ticket. I nod, raise the window and drive smoothly away as the light turns green.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

That last post was pretty politely condescending.

I hope no one reads only that post of mine and thinks I'm the type to put antimacassars on my chairs. Don't fucking judge me for knowing what an antimacassar is. It doesn't make me a southern belle or some old cookie making hag. Not that I can't make cookies. Because I can. Damn fine cookies.
 I really don't know what I'm worried about. It' not like I have some sort of style I follow. I won't do another post like that last one ever again. I promise.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Making money at blogging

So, i decided a while ago to monetize my blog. Which, if you are unfamiliar, means that if people click on the ads I will make a bit of money. So far no one has clicked on an ad. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking anyone to needlessly click on ads. After seeing some of the ads, I wouldn't click on them either. I find it odd that people even bother looking at the stuff on the side of the page anyway. Merely an observation. I am not judging anyone for not ad clicking. I mean I am happy to judge, just not for something like ad clicking.
  The funny thing is, now that i have talked about ads and ad clicking, there will probably be an ad for advertising schools or ad making or making money by monetizing your blog.
  Don't click on them.