Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Caution, drugs can kill you.

Watching drug commercials is almost intolerable. The number of drugs marketed on TV is amazing. Every time I watch TV I see a commercials for TNG, OPP, NFL, or whatever is the boner/sadness problem of the day.
The best part is the side effects. May cause ornery flatulence, prevailing westerlies, fundie copsquats, and cranial fingerfucks. Ask your doctor if scattered lactation, fiery colon, or kimchi squirreling occurs.
May cause semi permanent rigor mortis.

Little known facts

The world is comprised of such a rich and vibrant history. There are, however, so many facts that go unappreciated, or even known. These are called "Little Known Facts." in the popular vernacular. Today, I will cover some of these facts as examples of nearly lost knowledge.
Did you know that Benjamin Franklin was actually the first choice for President Of The United States? He decided not to run when it was divulged that his son was loyal to the throne and had a suit made from human babies. Little Known Fact.
Did you know that Albert Einstein had an extra tooth that he named Berty Junior that had an alien implant in it that told him to what to wear everyday, but never instructed him about physics? Little Known Fact.
The Space Needle in Seattle was supposed to have two large geodesic domes at the base, but were never built because the architect lost his testicles in a donkey basketball accident and it was too painful of a reminder. Little Known Fact.
Tom Brokaw from NBC news is a hermaphrodite and a homunculus. Little Known Fact.
The country of Iceland is home to the worlds largest ferret burger restaurant. Little Known Fact.
I could go on, and I probably will...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Getting excited about CONvergence

Slightly bigger roll this year for CON. Last year was my first year and I played it pretty low key. I didn't dress up or anything. This year I think will be different. I might go steampunk. Maybe Cthulhu. Maybe anime. Not anime. I'm not much of a computer gaming guy, so that is out. Not a bronie, not there is anything wrong with that (there is a lot wrong with that), I'm just not the My Little Pony type. I'm not the superhero type either. Sci-fi hero type maybe, but it would have to be obscure. None of that Star Wars or Star Trek stuff. Maybe a Rocketship XM, or Journey To Venus outfit. Maybe a Teletubbies/vampire/steampunk suit...
One thing I've learned is the costume has fit through doors and I have to be able to drink in it. And I have to be able to use the bathroom. Because I can tell you, you may think no one notices if you pee in a robot suit, but when when people start referring to you as the 'piss stink robot', they know.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Bad movies

I can't say why I love bad movies so much. I don't mean John Travolta bad, I mean Cave Girls From Mars type bad. The Island Of Giant Spiders type bad. The kind of bad that you can't actually sit and watch it straight through type bad. I really don't watch them straight through. I have to be doing something else and have it on in the background. I will stop and watch ten minutes and go back to doing whatever I was doing. I watch the same movie several times before I see all of it.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

National whatever day

Today is supposed to be national popcorn day. That is just stupid. Some days I understand days like Fathers Day. Not mothers day, if you met my mother you would understand this. When is national 'national day' day? Everyone can make up their own day and add any celebratory festivities they want. Mine is going to be National Enmelishment Day. Everyone must embellish everything they say. And eat popcorn.


People have a lot of hangups. I would suppose some we get from our parents and some probably caused by them, too. I know a guy that will not take a bath, only showers. It's because he thinks the dirt will stick to him from the water. He still uses hot tubs at hotels though. That seems a bit weird. I have a friend that will not share food. Not even a bite off her plate. She finds the prospect of cross contamination unbearable. She even does this with boyfriends with whom she is kissing and having sex. I went to college with a guy who hates not wearing socks. Has them on all the time, except when in bed, although I can't verify that.
I know a girl who will not touch a man's penis with her hands. She is married and has kids and claims to enjoy sex. I met a guy who will never stand to pee. He will only sit. I went to grade school with a kid who would only speak in rhyme. I met a guy in a bar that would only drink out of straws. I knew a girl who couldn't stand to be pointed at.
I don't have any hangups. Except I hate ostriches. I'm not afraid of them. They just creep me out. And I can't ride in cars. Only minivans or larger. And I don't eat solid food, wear two pairs of underwear, hate seeing feet or footwear, won't watch anything from pre-2005, hate Alan Alda and Woody Allen and Steve Allen and Karen Allen and Alan Thick.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Wild life shows

I think they should combine wildlife shows and cooking shows. I know it sounds horrible, but at least people would see where food comes from...and how yummy different animals could be. Now, I'm not saying we should hunt endangered species, but there may be some animal that we find out is delicious and we could start a whole new meat industry. Of course, chances are humans would hunt them into near extinction and then they would be placed on the endangered species list, but then they would be protected. So really it's like doing them a favor.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

First time readers...

For first time readers, all of this stuff starts off as a truth but deviates quickly. So don't feel compelled to notify authorities, or get me on some list, or complain to my mom, or tell my teacher and get me in trouble like that jerk, Bobby "I'm a total fucking brown noser" Schneider, cuz that guy really pisses me off. I'm gonna drop a deuce in his locker one of these days. Damn, I hate that guy.
So anyway, most of this stuff is made up. All the illegal stuff for sure is totally made up. I swear. I wouldn't lie to you. I like you. You seem nice. You have real pretty hair, too. And you smell nice. Like vanilla. Mmmmm...I like vanilla. Not vanilla ice cream though, that stuff is total bullshit as far as ice cream goes.
Anyway, like I was saying, made up. Stream of consciousness crapola.