Monday, December 31, 2012

Katy Perry

I was recently trapped in a vehicle with a 9 year old singing Katy Perry songs. I think I now know where the concept of hell comes from. Things that get to me worse?
Those half SUV/half pickup truck things.
Star Wars references to parts 1-3.
People who can't park.
Cheap beer.
People who burp and don't excuse themselves.
Instant coffee.
The word turbo on anything other than a car.
Ultimate fighting.
Hand sanitizer.
Rochambeau-ing for anything.
The word 'Oregonian'.
Done. I'm done now.

Hot when I'm cold, la la la...

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Voting. It's not just for smart people anymore.

Take me for instance. I have a fourth grade education and work as a doorstop, yet I am allowed to vote. Pretty fricken' cool. The other day I was wandering around, totally baked, when I saw a bunch of people walking into a school. I am looking at the 'Vote here' sign over the door when it dawns on me...IT'S VOTING DAY! I love voting because afterward you get a sucker. I head in the door and after the longest wait of my life I get my ballot. I hope next time I don't have to wait the ten minutes because it is a bit of a buzzkill.
I get to the voting booth with my ballot and pick up the pen. I immediately fill in the wrong circle. I ask for another ballot. I immediately fill in the wrong circle again.  I get another ballot. This time I am doing just fine until I see the name Richard Headstrom. Heeheeeheheheheeeheee. Dick Head-strum. Heheeheeheee. I can't stop giggling. I look over at the woman next to me and show her the name. She doesn't find it amusing. Maybe she doesn't get it, so I explain it to her. I get a tap on the shoulder from one of the election people. He tells me to mind my own business. I mind my own business I say as I grab my crotch. "Dick Head-strum. "
He then asks me to leave. I tell him to go to hell, I was just trying to share a voting joke with the lovely lady next to me. Election dude grabs my shirt. I grab onto the voting booth and start to scream "Leave me alone you Dick Head-strum lover!"
   He has my feet off the ground pulling me and I am laughing so hard i loose my grip. My upper half hits the floor hard and my ears start to ring really loud. I mean so loud I can't hear what anyone is saying. Poll worker guy and two others are dragging me by my feet to the door.
   I still can't stop laughing and screaming "WHERE IS MY SUCKER?"
  I get pushed out the door and told not to come back. I guess I will be adding this to the list of things not to do while voting. Dang. I need some Doritos.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Fancy pants dinner

I was wrangled into going to a fancy pants dinner. It was for a foundation of some sort benefiting kids with tri-polar fedoras or adult onset angst syndrome or something. These are the events I hate. Not because I don't like the causes, but because I don't like the people. Sitting in any room full of people, I can judge the amount of fun I will have by the number of men with earrings. It is a simple tell all of whether there will be drunken amusement or some dorks dancing to the Axel F Beverly Hills Cop song and bragging to the office on Monday that they really 'got down'.
   This room of nearly 900 had all of one dude with earrings besides me. He was also the only  little person there which made it a little more surreal. I felt I had made a friend.
   The dinner started with the silent auction with beer and wine being served. I am usually a fan of beer, but not light beers in semi cold bottles. I was glad I brought my flask of the Jameson. When I say flask, you should know I mean nearly a full bottle in a convenient spiggotted bag built into my jacket. I bought a beer, dumped it out in a plant and refilled with the good stuff.
    The silent went as planned. Silent.
    We shuffled into the great room for our meal. It was good, overdone, over prepared, overly fancy, overly mediocre meal. Also, risotto. Which I think is the most overrated of all foods. Everyone tells me when it is made well, it is fantastic. How many times can I get the crappy plate of risotto? Apparently  twenty plus times in a row. Fuck risotto. I think people only say that because they don't want to be the person who doesn't think it's good. Emperor's clothes type of thing. After the meal there was another auction for some big buck items. Dinner for ten here, weekend in Vegas there, designer accouterments blah, blah blah.
  Since dinner was done and I am starting my second beer bottle of whiskey, it was time to get mischievous.  I grabbed my bidding number and placed the first bid on every item. I waited til the last item, which I really wanted. Dinner for four at a Jacques Imo in New Orleans. Air fair and two nights in the French Quarter included. I have friends that have been there and said it was amazing. I raised my bidding number and the auctioneer sighed out loud. I held it up higher and waved it around til he called my number. The next bid was two thousand. The auctioneer seemed a bit surprised when I raised it again to raise it to twenty five hundred. Three, I bid to thirty five. Four, I stand up and I raise to forty five. Five, I takes a step forward and I go to fifty five. nothing...nothing...the auctioneer points to the other last bidder. I do the *cough*cheapskate*cough* thing. I love doing that. He stares at me angrily and goes to six. I raise my card right away and push it to sixty five hundred. I glare over and lift my fist up to my face. Stick my pinky straight up. Smile. As I slowly curl my pinky back down into the fist, follow it along with my eyes and turn my smile to a frown. I do this to BMW drivers too. Nice car, sorry about the penis.
  The man stands up with the best scowl. It is the scowl of a business man who just lost a takeover bid. The scowl of a republican when low income housing is being planned in his neighborhood. The scowl of a religious person finding out his kid is an atheist or gay. that scowl. He raises his card, up to seven. I step toward him flipping my card up and back down quick. he holds his up for eight. I rise mine quickly and lower it slowly. He raises his card and holds it up. I flip mine up a few more times as I walk toward him.
   He is fuming. I can see the veins on his neck bulging. His wife is tugging on his sleeve to sit down.
   I smile and raise the bid again. And again. And again. I am standing at his table. He is at twenty thousand dollars. I smile and pick up an empty water glass. I pour a tall shot of whiskey into it. Hand it to him and say "Enjoy the meal. I always do." there is thunderous applause around us. The color is quickly draining from his face as he realizes he just spent twenty thousand dollars on a dinner for four. He sits and drinks the shot.
   I turn and walk out of the room. What I do wish is that I had a few bucks to donate to this cause. They seem like such nice people. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

fighting sickness

So, I've been fighting off some sort of viral/bacterial thing for like three weeks. I feel I am on the verge of a full blown sickness that will completely incapacitate me. It started with the sniffles and a sore throat. That went away and was replaced by abdominal swelling and a headache. That went away. Then came the mild fever and red spots, gone, replaced by a thick southern accent and the shakes. Then fine again. Next came the crappie flops and red eyes. Fine again. Then the bachelors in philosophy and mumbles. Gone. A bout of the gout and a bit of the nit. A spell of the swell and a slight of the blight. A single malt Dimple Pinch, a urban ram rod, a pickle dreamcicle, a prevailing westerly, a nor-easter, an orthadox easter and an el nino. All gone as quick as they came.
  I kind of wish it would all be done with. Now I feel a speck of the rigor mortis coming on. I hope this will be enough to keep me home for a few days. I could use the rest.

Monday, October 8, 2012

scry it, you'll like it.

Have you ever tried scrying? You know, looking into a piece of mirror or a crystal ball? I was reading about some asshat religious dude that was having visions about the end times, presumably to make some extra cash, and I thought I would give it a try.
Let me say here that I have never tried scrying and have been doubtful of it's use to tell the future or tell anything about anything. I was resigned to give it an honest try. I found a apiece of mirror and a couple candles. I found a bit of transparent cloth and draped it over the mirror so I could make out my form but not my reflection. I lit some incense and the candles. To help the process I dropped six hits of acid took two ecstasy and liked some Central American frogs. I then put on Tubular Bells, turned off the lights and got to staring.  
     It didn't take long for me to get to the visions.
    The first thing I saw was a vision of a church. It was dark abandoned and foreboding. In front of it was a man walking slowly toward me. He was telling me I should buy a George Foreman Grill. I can only assume this meant the end of the world was nigh.
   The next vision I had  contained a large tentacled statue forty or 50 feet high. it was either something from Cthulu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster and standing in front of it was H. P. Lovecraft or Bob Barker, I'm not sure which. That may sound weird, but in real life I can't tell them apart. H. P. Barkercraft had a quail on his head and was wearing lederhosen. I took this to mean the apocalypse was at hand.
  My next vision was of a My Little Pony, one from the new cartoon, not the old ones, the new ones are way cooler and incorporate a rather sophisticated humor at times compared to the old ones that were way more Hannah-Barbera with shitty scripts. You know what I mean, right? Oh, so anyway, the pony was racing around looking for some restraints and talking about getting back to the castle dungeon before her captive escaped the ropes because they just weren't strong enough.  She was worried that whatever it was would destroy the world with its evil. I could hear it screaming from the depths of the castle from where I stood outside the castle gates. Bloodcurdling howls of pure rage and spite. The ground rumbled and my chest pounded from the creature pounding the ground under it. The creature within was breaking free. Other Ponies inside were waging a horrific battle to keep it contained. By the sounds within I could tell it was a losing battle. The rumble was getting louder and louder. The creature was free and lumbering toward the gates. The gates and the wall around were bulging with the strain of the creature pushing out, pushing for freedom of itself and for the oppression of everything free in the world.
  I snapped out of this vision knowing what I had to do. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. I will start my OWN My Little Pony  bondage fan fic site. I will call it Visit often.
This scrying thing is awesome!

Saint days

I have realized how religions have taken over the world in the large ways, like making everything a sin, or killing non believers, but i have realized there are much more subtle ways. There is the putting symbols everywhere, sneaking it on money, and electing politicians that are "morally" objecting to normal things. But here is one that no one thinks about. Saint days. Every day has a saint attached to it. some days have many saints attached to them. Do you want a National Athiest Day, funny how it will fall on St. Assington of Dribbleford,s day. His miracle was saving some boys from liking girls. Do you want a National Kristoffer (Kris) Kristofferson Day? Awww, it falls on Saint Rubbins of Crotcherties' Day. Self explanatory joke miracle. Want a National Day For Slipping On Ice Awareness? You should have been here in 1361 when Saint Wankering of Lubington saved the town from losing the town clock from rusting gears.
The point being, you don't get a day that doesn't already have a saint named after it. Fucking saint days. the only real was to bury them is continue to pile on more and more dedicated days til the saints are so deep that they become mulch.
Also, December 25'th is now Enmelishment Day.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It's so hard...

It's so hard to not correct the stupid. To not slap people who want to pray for me. To not run idiots off the road. To not just fucking do it myself. To not rat one more cookie. To not just finish the bottle. To not flip over the scrabble board. To not roll my eyes. To not scream. To not be snarky on everyone's Facebook post. To not laugh in face of adversity. 
It's so hard to be kind. To say thank you. To pay for my own idiocy. To know I've done an injustice. To be the better person.
It's so not make an innuendo. That is really hard. Like, super hard. Oh my god it's hard.
Tee hee hee.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Reality in the making of decor...

I went to CONvergence this year. I decorated two rooms this year as opposed to the one room last year. I grossly underestimated the time commitment. I thought there would be a lot of doubling up of duties, I was wrong. Both rooms served their purposes. One was more of a party room and the other more often intellectual meeting area. I really wanted to blog all about the experience but really had no time.
  CONvergence seemed a bit more low key on the party rooms. Not nearly as extravagant. I suddenly feel as though we may be setting the pace for next year. Although I doubt anyone will too my Cock And Balls theme from this years soccer playing rooster league. I'm just kidding. It was a penis and testicle themed room.
The other room was based on the movie version of Battlefield Earth. So it was really a 'masage John Travolta' room. Again i'm kidding. You walk in, lost two hours of your life and wish like hell you could get it back.
Really they were both skeptically themed rooms. One room allowed you to self vaccinate in case of alcohol deficiency, the other room you could talk to bloggers and eat delicious melon. Next year, a Greek theme for them. Add meeting intellectuals. Add discussing philosophies. Add a fountain. Add some wine. Add a vomitorium. Subtract the man/boy love. Done and done.
Damn I'm good.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Here I sit...

Here I sit. In my back yard. Glaring at the barely visible stars. Living in the city strangles the beauty out of the night sky. It chokes the peacefullness of space. It makes me feel bigger than I am.

Sunday, May 20, 2012


I have been working on a project for convergence. I think I am voing to make a 3d version of a brain with tenticals coming out of it. Like a cthulu/brain thingy. It will be in a a display box that will double as a coffee table.  Why do I feel like this will cost me part of my soul?

Thursday, April 19, 2012


Many of my posts seem dark or angry. I'm really not all that angry.
I am actually pretty happy most of the time. I love to laugh and make jokes. As they say, all comedy comes from tragedy, so really everything I write is funny, right?
One would think that looking down the barrel of a gun would bring a bit of anxiety. Most of the time that would be true, but in this case, it warrants casual disregard. It's not that I think the person holding the gun will not pull the trigger, it is really that I just don't care.
My day started out with a bad drive to work, being met at the door by HR and security, losing my job because of a coworker with a grudge. A shittier drive to a bar. An excessive amount of alcohol, even worse drive halfway to my empty, underwater, home with the remainder being on foot. Police pounding on my door, no doubt in reference to my car being parked in a telephone pole, a jog out the back door and down the alley. Continuous vomiting. more running and vomiting. Finding another bar and then being thrown out for lude and lascivious behavior, or disorderly conduct. or both. More walking and vomiting. Asking schoolkids where I can score some drugs and them pointing the way. Buying some sort of powdery substance from a sketchy looking toothless grinner and a quick ingestion. A quick up, a fight ensues and me leaving a drug den with some money, drugs, and a hand full of what I think is hair. More running and vomiting. A visit to a corner market, grabbing some bagged food items, throwing down the drugs on the counter, picking them up and throwing down some money. Eating various foods out of bags and leaving a trail for anyone to follow.
Several hours of black.
Awaking to find a gun pushing my eyebrow into my head.
A brief sense of regret? Too late for that now....

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Trying to sell a car

Selling a car should be easy. But it really isn't. One would think offering a car up for sale for an incredibly low price, one could dump, I mean sell, a car quickly. People ask a lot question, too. Like "what are all these dents from?" and "Are those stolen credit cards on the floor?" and "Is this blood?"
Do you want the car or not? Shit.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Strange Brew

What a fun movie. It is the greatest version of Hamlet ever made. Or of Rosencrans and Guildenstern. Whatever.
"come to the dark side, you knob."

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Things I think are cool.

Most of the things I think are cool fall well outside of the mainstream. Freethinkers are cool to me, not trend starters.
I remember when revenge of the needs came out. It made nerds 'cool'. What it really did was make being smart and different acceptable. There was the smart guys and the gay guy and the dirty pre hipster guy (booger). Different became mainstream. It created the awareness of niche groups in society. Nerds became aware the they were not alone.
Now there are sub groups of groups. Subnerds. Subgeeks.
Normal has been worn out. Everyone is willing to admit their geek side. Comic collector, MST3K fan, Trekkie, audiophile, maker, whatever it is. Is it good?
It's fucking great.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The movie of my life.

What would the ending scene be if my life were made into a movie?
Maybe me, bleeding out in a museum of taxidermy. In front of a Snowy Egret.
Maybe the backside of someone walking away with my pancreas in their hand leaving a trail of blood from my cut open guts.
Maybe a splat at the bottom of a canyon like Wile E. Coyote. (Super-genius)
Maybe a shot of my swollen throat and a Little Debbie Swiss Cake wrapper clutched in my hand.
Maybe in a hospital with the standard beeeeeeeee of the heart monitor and then someones hand can do that magic 'wave the hand over the eyes to close them' bullshit thing they do in movies.
Maybe a long shot of frozen tundra and a long zoom in on my frozen open eyes.
Maybe a crappie flop finish ala Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner
Maybe riding away on a horse while some kid is yelling "Enmelishment! Come Back!"
Maybe in a duel to the death using spearguns.
Maybe a road rage incident.
Maybe in a burning cult compound in Texas with twenty or thirty of my followers.
Maybe a shot of my Addidas and track suit. A news report in the background making bad puns about "Hale Bopp with  Cyndi Lauper's She Bop as the lead in.
Maybe a blackout with a long, final exhale.
Maybe "Rosebud"
Not "Rosebud".
I can only hope it is a good movie up til that point.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Holy crap! It is so nice out.

It's eighty degrees and it's Mid March. These are the kind of days that I don't care if the world is heating up. Of course when it is 150 degrees out this summer I will be singing a different tune. More likely I will be screaming in agony every time I have to go outside "Holy shit, it's so hot!" and everyone's car interiors will melt, and no one will be outside and it will suck. But for now it's pretty sweet.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Broken system

It has been nearly fifty years since the borders between states had become fences. Political divides had become so great that there were three types of states in the Ununited States Of America. Red White and Blue. Red had become the religious/conservative states, Blue had become secular/technology states and White were the few states left that allowed moderates of both. The White states are few and far between. Between all of the states there is a ten mile wide path that is federal controlled FreeLand that allows travel without venturing into the wrong state. The Red states suffer from overpopulation and lack of infrastructure. The blue are doing fine. In fact they are doing too well and conficts between the Blue and the Red in the border areas is increasing. There have been attacks between the Red and White states, but those have been mostly looting attacks on food transports. The attacks between the Red and Blue state border areas have grown into more than theft, there is now attacks that do not involve theft, only damage and casualties. the Reds blame the Blues, but it is only the Blues that are loosing people and supplies. It's pretty obvious what is happening. Obvious enough that the isolated Blue states are building defenses or being abandoned. The Fedral government is useless to stop it. There will be war.
    It will be a short fight. Red has the population but Blue has the technology. Technology has never lost the day.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I killed a man on Luna just to watch him die

So, as it turns out, if you kill someone on the moon, nothing happens when you get back to Earth. The moon is completely lawless. I know it was a bit of a risk to hit that asshole in the face shield with a rock hammer. I knew there would be a chance he would hit me back, or claw at me and tee my suit. I knew there would be no one left to help if something went wrong. I knew it would be a tough trip back with two let alone solo. The blank look on his face was worth it all. I could see on his quickly bluing face he knew why.
I didn't care. That guy was an asshole and no one will miss him. Now we both have immortality. He is the first murder victim on the moon and I am the first murderer. I have brought the sins of man to the moon.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Dumb phone

So,I noticed a crack on the back of my phone. I did what most people with an iPhone would do. I screamed and cried my eyes dry. Then I went to the Apple store. I had to make an appointment. I feel less sad and feel more like an idiot because I am making an appointment to get my phone checked over by a white guy in the 'Genius Bar'. I go to my appointment and the guy says "we really don't fix that. We just have you buy a new one for $149."
They don't fix a cracked back plate. I guess the term genius does not include ingenuity. Or helpfulness. Or wanting to conserve resources. I said that as loud as I could.
Here's something good to know. People who work in stores don't like it when you tell them the problem with their service or product loud enough to inform other customers.
So I said that as loud as I could without screaming. Everyone stops and looks at me. I ask the guy again why I can't get the back of my phone fixed without replacing the whole phone. He asks me to quiet down. So I ask again. And he asks me to quiet down or I will have to leave.
At this point I lean in real close to him and say I'm not leaving without a new back for my phone. He asks me to leave. I stand up. I step up on the chair and up on the counter. Everyone is looking at me. I have an audience.
"Remember the awesome 1984 Apple commercial. The person runs in and throws the torch or whatever it was into the screen? All the faceless grey masses are you." I say.
I turn to the 60 inch tv behind the genius bar counter And throw my iPhone into it. It doesn't explode like it did in the commercial. It broke apart and broke the screen of the tv. Pretty anticlimactic. Until I notice the sprinkler head directly above me.
Water voids the warranty I think to myself as I punch the glass vial. Water comes shooting out as the screaming starts. I quickly jump to the next counter and as I'm running down, I'm hitting every sprinkler head in the store. I get to the end of the counter and jump for the door landing on top of several Apple sheep and we go down in a heap. I jump off the top and help a few people up. I look back inside and pull the doors closed as the last customer gets out. I pull my belt off and tie the doors shut. The geniuses are running around trying to protect product.
I turn to the crowd behind me.
I say "I hear the new androids are nice." and walk away.

Thursday, March 1, 2012


So, Pinterest. I signed up for Pinterest under my real name. I really haven't done anything in it but put up a few pictures. It is pretty interesting to look at. And i am already networked pretty well. Just not quite sure of it's usefulness yet. Can't wait for the creepers to ruin it.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

In my head it's funny

I can't tell you how often I think things are funny and no one else does. Uncomfortable silences I find very funny. Things in threes with a pause and an accompanying fourth. Jokes about death. Science jokes. Puns. Tumbleweeds. '_____ walks into a bar' jokes. Flat punch line delivery. Anything that sounds dirty but isn't. Anything dirty. Clearing of the throat in quiet situations. Inadvertant rhythms. Ricky Gervais. Embelishments. Enmelishment. Exagerations. And of course the 'When someone is lifting something heavy and says "can I get a hand" and someone else (usually me) applauds' gag. Holy shit, that never gets old. Never, never, never.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The end of my life of crime

Ive made a good living in crime. The dream of course is to make enough to retire to some small country that has low taxes and asks no questions. That, as I have come to realize is extremely rare. It's like the music business. There are a lot of one hit wonders, there are a few big artists, but to make money you have to be a producer. To make money in crime, being the one who orchestrates the score s the one who makes the big money. I am not the producer. I am the minor one hit wonder. The one who got to 25'th on the top forty chart once.
Now I am the broke has been. I am the guy livin in the shitty apartment in the bad part of town. I am the guy who sold some information to make rent and a few meals. I am the guy who got sold out for even less. I am the guy bleeding out in the alley behind said shitty apartment building. I'm the dead guy that doesn't make the news. Yeah, I made a good living in crime. Past tense.

I went to a talk on evolution

I went down to the local library and saw a talk by a super famous biological anthropologist. It was a very interesting talk. He spoke about Darwin and Victorian times and modern evolution studies. What I leaned was Darwin was pretty a progressive thinker and had great deductive reasoning. Some of his colleagues, like a guy, I think his name was Seattle Sutton or Simple Simon, or something like that, was a total asshat. The guy was afraid of races that were darker skinned than him and feared that even having them serve his food might give him some disease. Damn, I hope the cooks spit in his food.
The talk also several biased studies made since that propagate faulty reasoning that place whites on the top of the intellectual pile. One by a Sasha Baren Cohen, no that's not his name, Regis Philbin, maybe? No. Rilo Kailey? No, damn, I can't remeber his name. Anywho, he was an asshat, too. His study showed IQ and brain size differences between races. Totally crap study. What I find hardest to believe is that even after these studies have been proven to be faulty, people still rely on them for data. How do educated people start with bad data and think their study will be correct? They don't make sandwiches with bad meat and think "Well the bread is fresh so I won't get sick." those people have wasted their education, credibility, and our time.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I want a new job...

Only because of the people I have to deal with do I dislike my job. it's a good job really and embalming hamsters for proper hamster burial is a great challenge. Especially getting the hair just right afterward. Cute little critters. Sooo delicious...mmmmmmm. Oh, now where was I? Oh yeah, my boss is a dickweed and my coworker is a mouth breather without any style sense. How can you not understand how to brush a hamster's hair. I mean really? It's not Dolly Parton, it's a hamster.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The grind

When life starts to grinds on it seems I become less imaginitive. new experiences seem to drive creativity as much as necessity does. Day in and day out. Sigh. Only one thing to do I guess, become a professional gambler.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

People's from other countries...

People from other countries, I find your accents cute. I want to pinch your little cheeks. tee hee.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Radio political reasoning

I heard this on NPR this morning. I wont get the quotes exactly right, but it will be close.
They were interviewing people about their choices for GOP candidates. Here in Minnesota Santorum is in the lead. How that happens, I don't know. The guy they interview first is going to vote for Newt. He says he is conservative. He identifies himself as a conservative even though he lives in liberal Minnesota. He then says all the other candidates are picking on Newt so there must be something there that makes him the right choice. Otherwise, why would they be picking on him? Um...Something there?!?
The failure of reasoning here typifies poor political judgement. He isn't the underdog. He is a disgraced congressman and a shitty husband and a fuck poor Christian and an arrogant loudmouth ass.
You know what? All of the GOP candidates are picking on Obama! You should vote for him! Dumbfuck...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Politic shit

Normally I don't get into politics. Especially on this blog, but there is something that bothers me. It seems we are moving left as a society, but the rhetoric is moving to the right. The more liberal we become, the louder the voices against it. I'm not sure I understand who the voices against change are, but it sounds more like desperation...

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Caution, drugs can kill you.

Watching drug commercials is almost intolerable. The number of drugs marketed on TV is amazing. Every time I watch TV I see a commercials for TNG, OPP, NFL, or whatever is the boner/sadness problem of the day.
The best part is the side effects. May cause ornery flatulence, prevailing westerlies, fundie copsquats, and cranial fingerfucks. Ask your doctor if scattered lactation, fiery colon, or kimchi squirreling occurs.
May cause semi permanent rigor mortis.

Little known facts

The world is comprised of such a rich and vibrant history. There are, however, so many facts that go unappreciated, or even known. These are called "Little Known Facts." in the popular vernacular. Today, I will cover some of these facts as examples of nearly lost knowledge.
Did you know that Benjamin Franklin was actually the first choice for President Of The United States? He decided not to run when it was divulged that his son was loyal to the throne and had a suit made from human babies. Little Known Fact.
Did you know that Albert Einstein had an extra tooth that he named Berty Junior that had an alien implant in it that told him to what to wear everyday, but never instructed him about physics? Little Known Fact.
The Space Needle in Seattle was supposed to have two large geodesic domes at the base, but were never built because the architect lost his testicles in a donkey basketball accident and it was too painful of a reminder. Little Known Fact.
Tom Brokaw from NBC news is a hermaphrodite and a homunculus. Little Known Fact.
The country of Iceland is home to the worlds largest ferret burger restaurant. Little Known Fact.
I could go on, and I probably will...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Getting excited about CONvergence

Slightly bigger roll this year for CON. Last year was my first year and I played it pretty low key. I didn't dress up or anything. This year I think will be different. I might go steampunk. Maybe Cthulhu. Maybe anime. Not anime. I'm not much of a computer gaming guy, so that is out. Not a bronie, not there is anything wrong with that (there is a lot wrong with that), I'm just not the My Little Pony type. I'm not the superhero type either. Sci-fi hero type maybe, but it would have to be obscure. None of that Star Wars or Star Trek stuff. Maybe a Rocketship XM, or Journey To Venus outfit. Maybe a Teletubbies/vampire/steampunk suit...
One thing I've learned is the costume has fit through doors and I have to be able to drink in it. And I have to be able to use the bathroom. Because I can tell you, you may think no one notices if you pee in a robot suit, but when when people start referring to you as the 'piss stink robot', they know.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Bad movies

I can't say why I love bad movies so much. I don't mean John Travolta bad, I mean Cave Girls From Mars type bad. The Island Of Giant Spiders type bad. The kind of bad that you can't actually sit and watch it straight through type bad. I really don't watch them straight through. I have to be doing something else and have it on in the background. I will stop and watch ten minutes and go back to doing whatever I was doing. I watch the same movie several times before I see all of it.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

National whatever day

Today is supposed to be national popcorn day. That is just stupid. Some days I understand days like Fathers Day. Not mothers day, if you met my mother you would understand this. When is national 'national day' day? Everyone can make up their own day and add any celebratory festivities they want. Mine is going to be National Enmelishment Day. Everyone must embellish everything they say. And eat popcorn.


People have a lot of hangups. I would suppose some we get from our parents and some probably caused by them, too. I know a guy that will not take a bath, only showers. It's because he thinks the dirt will stick to him from the water. He still uses hot tubs at hotels though. That seems a bit weird. I have a friend that will not share food. Not even a bite off her plate. She finds the prospect of cross contamination unbearable. She even does this with boyfriends with whom she is kissing and having sex. I went to college with a guy who hates not wearing socks. Has them on all the time, except when in bed, although I can't verify that.
I know a girl who will not touch a man's penis with her hands. She is married and has kids and claims to enjoy sex. I met a guy who will never stand to pee. He will only sit. I went to grade school with a kid who would only speak in rhyme. I met a guy in a bar that would only drink out of straws. I knew a girl who couldn't stand to be pointed at.
I don't have any hangups. Except I hate ostriches. I'm not afraid of them. They just creep me out. And I can't ride in cars. Only minivans or larger. And I don't eat solid food, wear two pairs of underwear, hate seeing feet or footwear, won't watch anything from pre-2005, hate Alan Alda and Woody Allen and Steve Allen and Karen Allen and Alan Thick.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Wild life shows

I think they should combine wildlife shows and cooking shows. I know it sounds horrible, but at least people would see where food comes from...and how yummy different animals could be. Now, I'm not saying we should hunt endangered species, but there may be some animal that we find out is delicious and we could start a whole new meat industry. Of course, chances are humans would hunt them into near extinction and then they would be placed on the endangered species list, but then they would be protected. So really it's like doing them a favor.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

First time readers...

For first time readers, all of this stuff starts off as a truth but deviates quickly. So don't feel compelled to notify authorities, or get me on some list, or complain to my mom, or tell my teacher and get me in trouble like that jerk, Bobby "I'm a total fucking brown noser" Schneider, cuz that guy really pisses me off. I'm gonna drop a deuce in his locker one of these days. Damn, I hate that guy.
So anyway, most of this stuff is made up. All the illegal stuff for sure is totally made up. I swear. I wouldn't lie to you. I like you. You seem nice. You have real pretty hair, too. And you smell nice. Like vanilla. Mmmmm...I like vanilla. Not vanilla ice cream though, that stuff is total bullshit as far as ice cream goes.
Anyway, like I was saying, made up. Stream of consciousness crapola.