Friday, February 25, 2011

Well, I've been sick.

So I've been sick all this week. I think it's scurvy. Or rickets. Or rigormortis. No, it couldn't be that because i've been vaccinated for that. Maybe it was just a cold. Regardless of what it was, it makes me slow and uncreative. As someone who likes quick thought and action it kinda drives me crazy. Even my tweets suck. My facebook posts are bland and unimaginative. I post stuff like. Oh, hope you feel better when people complain they are sick. Usually I tell them they are sick cuz god hates them. Cuz that's true. Only people who believe in him though. Athiests get sick because of germs. Hope you feel better. Fuck. Whatever.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Ya know, people, you shouldn't take any of this stuff too seriously. It is one step up from stream of conciouness writing. Or one step down, maybe. One step in some direction away though. Maybe two steps. Probably two steps. And a half turn. And on more step.

People shouldn't be reading this stuff

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Health care

So I'm in a kmart and overhear a couple of 80 year olds talking about healthcare reform. The woman says "til we are broke from the health care bill." and the gentleman replies "that's not quite right ma'am. The way it is set up..." I am out of hearing range on my way to the bathroom. On my way out of the bathroom I hear the woman say. "I see." I am happy there is room for learning even at 80. She then says "well, what about these 'death panels'?". The old man looks up with a gleam in his eye and says "I got your death panel right here!" and strikes her across the face with an open hand. The ring from the slap of old hand to wrinkled face is audable from the other side of the store as everyone whom I can see turns to look. The old woman, instead of buckling under the slap, uses the momentum to deliver a roundhouse kick. The man, is visibly stunned for a moment as the force moves him three feet, even as he remains standing. He then grabs a shelf full of velvet posters that you color yourself, the ones with unicorns and Teddy bears and wizards, and flips it toward her. She ducks and leaps to a clothing rack. She lifts it high above her head just in time for the old man to put a rack o discounted video games into her chest. She staggers and looses her grip on the clothing tack. It falls in to a heapon top of her. The old man cooly walks away as he knows she isn't getting up from that. In her younger days, she would gave shrugged it off. But for fucks sake she eighty!

Saturday, February 12, 2011


So, writing a blog is different than I expected. I have so many random thoughts that I think I could expand on but I don't have the writing experience to fulfill. So my new tactic will be trepanning. Got my drill, a sharp bit, some cloth to catch the blood and a bit of platic in case things get really messy. I'm gonna release the demons and start typing.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Idea about size

So I have this idea that we, as a people, are getting too big. Not fat, just big. Everyone loves tall people. I think we are going the wrong way. If we tried to get people to evolve smaller, think of the resources we could save! If we got people to be about two foot six, we could put an extra floor in every room and double the square footage of every house! Our cars could be half the size and automatically our four lane highways become eight lanes! Genius, right? I know.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fred Basset

Fred Basset is incredibly unfunny. A friend of mine had a great theory that it was actually four panels long, but American papers only had room for three, so they would leave off the last panel. Thereby leaving off the panel with the punchline. It only makes sense. No comic strip can be so consistantly un funny and still be printed.
Fuck Fred Basset.

Monday, February 7, 2011


I wa filming my Bollywood spectacular today and accidently kissed my costar. I don't know what I was thinking! I mean, I thought I was leaning in and she was pulling back, but somehow she pulled in too and we kissed. It wouln't be such a big deal but it was a live simulcast to all of India and botswana. I don't know why Botswana is so big on Bollywood spectaculars, but they are. I fear this is the end of my Bollywood career. Damn.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

If I were poor...

If I were poor...
Oh, wait...I am.
I'm really not poor. I don't get money either. I am so bad with money. My wife gives me the amount of cash I will need for any given event.
If I start the week with a hundred bucks, I can go through the week, not buy anything, and still end the week broke.

If I were rich...

If I were really rich...
I would be driven to dinner in a car and then have my expensive car delivered to the restaurant so people could see how rich I was.
I would build my mansion inside a clear geodesic dome and heat it all.
I would make bets on how fast I could lose money gambling and then lose that bet too.
I would train miniture horses to ride other horses and then race them.
I would create my own clothing line and super market it, but stop wearing it before it got really popular, so I could say I was wearing that before it was popular.
I would hire popular bands to come to my party and open for some small time local band.
I would tell Jessica Lange I loved her in King Kong.
I would start a church so I could hang out with John Travolta.
I would prank friends by knocking them out and keeping them comatose for a year and waking them up in the exact same position and place.
I would create a spam email company but wouldn't sell anything.
I would eradicate afghans. The blanket, not the people.
I would buy every ford pinto in the world and destroy them all except for one. So I had the only one left in the world.
What would you do?

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Wow, do the Flintstones cartoons suck. What was the attraction as a child? Honeymooners animated? Is if familiarity of characters? What? They are so not funny at all.
Velma Dinkley is hot tho.