Thursday, August 22, 2013

Flying high

So being on a plane always ssems a bit weird. I am thirty thousand feet in the air. Thirty thousand feet. Looking at something thirty thousand feet away doesn't even make sense. From this height i can identify fields. That is about it. Plus I'm super high. So everything is making even less sense. I mean, I've den high before but this is crazy. I have no idea how I'm going to land this plane. All these buttons and levers and shit. I mean, shit. There is a lot going on in here. God damn this room is small. It's getting a little tough to breath. Maybe I'll go for a walk. I don't know if i can take to more hours of this. Shit.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Left in the car on a hot day.

It's been hot and humid here. 90+ degrees with dew points in the 70s. Every year this happens and every year they warn on the TV about how hot it gets in the car with the windows up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Closed car, hot day, blah blah blah. I've been sitting in this car in the sun with the windows up for like an hour and twenty minutes now, and sure I'm a bit sweaty, but really it's not that bad. And okay, I've barfed, but I did have leftover sushi I found on the back seat that I forgot to bring in. So that is probably the reason for that. And for some reason I can't seem to focus my eyes. and maybe I'm getting a bit dizzy. But that is normal after a few beers. Okay, seven beers. Hey, I'm thirsty.  I am having a little trouble focusing my attention. I think the biggest problem is I'm listening to the country music station and I'm kinda liking it. That is not normal. I'm usually more of a dub-step kind of guy. Huh.
I guess I'm doing okay. I thought I was doing better than my friend in the trunk because of all the screaming earlier, but he is so quiet now. I guess he is doing just fine.  
Is this a Statler Brothers song? I wonder if they are really brothers.

Monday, July 8, 2013

You were right.

You were right. I know you love to hear me say it, and you know how much I hate saying it. But really, you were right. I shouldn't have tried to get up on stage at the Bieber concert. You said they would kick me out and they did.
You were right too, about not trying to hug him. It really only did make it worse.
You were right about not drinking so much at your work party. I will help you look for another job. In my defense, I really thought your boss was a man. Screaming "that dude is going into the ladies room!" Was a bit of a mistake.
You were right about wearing underwear under the kilt to the local Scottish festival. I guess I thought the fact it was put on by the local church was irrelevant. Or that it was a fund raiser for the children's day care. Sorry.
You were right about me trying to buy gifts for your side of the family. I really thought SexWorld gift certificates would be appreciated.
You were right about police not having a sense of humor about a gun shaped wallet when i got pulled over.  Or the jokes about drugs. And bombs. I thought cops had a better sense of humor.
You were right about eating ask those Mentos and then chugging down the two liter bottle of diet Coke at your uncle's funeral. Plus, doing it in the viewing line was not very smart of me either, probably.
You were right. On the other hand, me telling you you are right makes me right. So, score one for me! Right?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Sitting quietly

I wonder how long I can sit here quietly before someone asks something of me. I've been sitting here for about twenty minutes and several people have passed by without looking at me. Trying not to make eye contact is the hardest part. If I do, someone will surely ask me to do something and I am having none of that.
   Maybe if I keep looking intently at a page with some writing on it and frown people will think I shouldn't be disturbed.
  This is working out pretty well.
"Excuse me, could I get a number three with a side of coleslaw?".


New word

I made up a new word by combining two other words. It refers to the act of saving and enslaving people at the same time. It is a reference to religions.
Your welcome.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Business cards

So I am trying a business card for myself. It is turning out surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. There us so much to consider. Design, layout, images, font, color, font size, cut...the list is a bit daunting. Then there is the implication and psychology behind the choices, another thought provoking romp through the psyche.
   I need a card that says professional yet fun. Reliable and trustworthy with a dash of sophistication and flair. Something that says I'm stable but don't back me into a corner cuz I'll knife you if I have to. An image that is presented that let's prospective employers know I am diligent about burying that large bag in the desert, yet discrete enough to not ask questions. A card that endorses me as a quality investment for employment and a good companion as a wingman on a sex tour through the ghettos of Bangkok.
I have it narrowed it down to plain white with a tasteful black border and Helvetica font as one choice and the other a picture of a clown with a ball gag in it's mouth tied to the back of an gorilla that has elephantitis of the testicles with comic sans.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


What I don't understand about people who to find monsters, like Bigfoot, is why would someone want to find a monster? One more scary thing on this planet to worry about? No, thanks. Leave the imaginary monsters where they are. In the minds of crazy people.
  I guess I think there are plenty scary enough things that already exist. Things like child molesters, terrorists, Jimmy Buffet, rapists. I mean really, like we need something creepier than ostriches. Have you see an ostrich up close? They are fucking freaky. Their heads stay straight while it moves up, down, left or right. That long weird neck and the huge talons on their feet. Freeee-keeee. Gah. Freaky.
  Or how about cabbage patch dolls. All nylon-y with yarn covered melons for heads. Ew.
Have you seen Axl Rose and Lana Del Ray together? *shudder*
There is plenty of scary without finding out Bigfoot lives behind your house and is hungry.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Atheist because...

I am an atheist. People become atheist for many reasons, mostly because religion starts to make less and less sense the more people digg into it until it makes no sense at all. Some people think it it's because some life event has made a person angry at God. This is never really the case, except in my case.
"Angry at God?" You say! Yes. Angry. Why would anyone be angry at God? Surely it is all part of some plan. Some deluded, aimless, incomprehensible plan to fuck with people. Oh, I'm angry all right. Not because my life didn't work out the easy I wanted. Not because my entire family, including cousins, were all killed right in front of me in a horrible family picture/out of control hot dog vendor cart accident. Not because my partner was killed two days before retirement from the police force by a ruthless gang. not because I got a B in interpersonal relations class in high school when I clearly deserved an A. Not because of LOL cats.not because of Lindsey Lohan. Not because of the tome I spent in a Bolivian prison. Not because I was trapped in an old well. Not because of Jimmy Buffet. Okay, maybe a little bit because of Jimmy Buffet. Not because of any of those reasons.
  It's because he still owes me like two months rent and I know he still has my Yes 'In The Round' bootleg. Jerk. He thinks he's funny? Well when no one believes in him anymore, we'll see whose laughing then. God, what a Dick.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Management meeting.

So I am being sent to classes on how to be an effective manager. In my current job I am not a manager. I am sort of a foreman. I am not really sure why my bosses thought this was a good idea, because I will only call them out on poor management techniques from here on out. I believe it is a very corporate style of management training, too. I do not work in an office. Where I work, we are free range sort of workers. We meander around and eat a little grass here and drink a little water there and eventually there is a product that falls out of our asses. I am looking forward to asking inappropriate questions and using it as blog fodder.
I just want to write 'blog fodder' again because I like it.