Thursday, March 31, 2011

King Tut

I went and saw the King Tut exhibit at our local science museum. They wouldn't allow any photographs. I found that odd. I walked through to the very end looking at everything closely. Then i went back and put my camera on continuous shot so it took pictures every second and walked through with my camera duct taped to my head. i put a mummy toe on the shutter button and taped over that. I don't think anyone noticed. Except security. I have been walked out of places before and it is really only mildly embarrassing getting hauled out of a museum by security. This time however, it was more than a little embarrassing  for every one. at first they asked me to walk with them,which I did. right up to the point we got to the tiny sarcophaguses that held the organs. At this point I hip checked one rent-a-cop and bum rushed the other. Arms crossed in front of me I drove him into a calcite jar used to hold oil. It didn't break till it hit the foot of the ahmenhotep statue. I ran toward the exit giving a good push to a museum worker and stiff arming another. I broke out of the exhibit into the cheesy gift shop filled with Tut hats and knockoff necklaces. Slid into a display of stuffed mummy dolls and careened into the open air of the general exhibits. I broke for the stairs and managed to get to the main floor where I encountered the first real resistance. Four rent-a-cops and a squad pulling up out front. I realized then I was less than a block from the Ramsey County (true! It is Ramsey county. Not a play on Ramses.) courthouse and police station. I was gonna run out of time fast. There was an emergency exit to my right and made for it. I hauled it to the door and hit it hard. The alarm went off and I was into the open air! Shit! I was on the observation deck overlooking the Mississippi river. Obviously everyone knew this but me. I came out at the far end of the deck. Away from the stairs down. Away from what I thought at the time was the only course to freedom. However,a quick look to my left showed me a way out. About twenty feet away and down was a large grain silo looking structure. I didn't care what it was or what was in it. It was close and it had steps going down along the side. Like I said, it's a twenty foot horizontal and twenty foot vertical jump. So I ran a big of a circle as I could to gain momentum. I was headed for the railing, a conveniently placed bench about a bound away, up the bench, another step up to the rail and flight!
Now what really happened is I took out my camera just to switch pockets and one of the staff politelty reminded me of no photography. I said thanks and enjoyed a nice glass of wine in the lobby before I left.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

What the hell is my neighbor doing?

What the hell? My neighbor is making a lot of noise and it is starting to bug me. Go over there and find out what they are up to, would you?

Friday, March 25, 2011

Citizen Band

So I dug out an old CB radio and decided to fire it up. I was suprised to hear actual conversation. People still use this form of communication! There should be an app for that. The only reason I could think of for using a CB was in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Everyone on it talks about cops, traffic, or hemmoroids.
Breaker one nine- this is Crazy Cootie lettin' you know there's a bear in the air at mile marker 134 north bound 94.
Hey Crazy Cootie- this is Monkey Spanker Jr.- thanks for the heads up!
Breaker two one- breaker two one- this is Garden Gnome rollin up on a chow and cow. Smokin' tire and breakin' wind.
Breaker three six- this here's Fat Chicker and Table Cloth Two pullin' a load of squirrelly wax and forced impact to Clevland. Anyone got a recipe for crepes? Come back.
All I want to hear is "Help us! Zombies are everywhere!"
Whatever. Stupid CB.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Feel free

Feel free to comment on any of these posts. Really.

pretend this post is, like six motnths after the last one. And read the previous one first if you haven't already.

So I started a bakery business in a small town in Minnesota as a cover for robbing the bank next door.. My plan worked perfectly! Six moths ago i bought a defunct bakery. I employed two associates to help with this 'business'. In a small town, starting a bakery isn't hard. We pulled some recipes from America's Test Kitchen cookbook and went to work. This gave us the great excuse of working late at night to early in the morning without arousing any suspicion.
The bank was small, but there was a gaming casino close by, so therewas a pretty healthy reserve of cash on hand. We went to work on he wall ajoining the vault with acid. Weakening the wall with acid made the stone crumble easily without making noise. Once we hit the vault wall we continued with a torch to heat small areas thereby weakening the steel and then once again using the acid to eat away slowly. Tapping lightly on the wall could give you an idea of how thick the remaining steel was.
We worked on this for five months. The fumes from the acid were blown out with the fumes from our deep friers. It covered up the caustic smell with the yummy smell of deep fried doughnuts. We carefully planned our heist to coincide with a large casino event wherethey would have one million dollars in cash on display. The night before the event the cash would be in the vault and surrounded by guards.
The big night came. We had been wekening the steel with heat for the last week and it was soft enough that a good final acid bath would get us through the last quarter inch with a hole big enough to almost walk through. After the vault was closed for the nigt and time locked, we go started. We pumped the acid through a pump to create a waterfall effect of metal disolving goodness. Two hours later we were looking on one million in nicely wrapped bundles for carrying. We shuttled the money into our delivery carts along with an additional two hundred thousand plus and right into our awaiting delivery truck. A full four hours of travel time before the time lock would pop open to reveal a vault rather empty of money but with the addition of twenty dozen freshly made doughnuts.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Thoughts on robbing banks

Everytime I walk into a bank, the firt thing I do is check out the security. Now, I've never robbed a bank, but it does seem tempting. I usually walk in with my head down, looking for sensors and infared and seeing if the floor gives slightly for a pressure sensor. I really don't bother looking for cameras. They are everywhere and any thief worth their salt will cover the face enough to not be recognized or be facial reconition scanned.
I realize there are two things you need to do if you want to rob a bank during the day (I would not do this myself because the risk is too great and the payoff will not be alot) first, have a plan for inside the bank down to the amount of time spent in the bank. Second, have a flawless getaway. I mean flawless. No diving around town trying to switch cars and crap. Too much risk.
I would try a night time robbery. Extra time, no people, easier getaway. Plus you can sell the movie rights later. It has to be good though. Like dig through from the unerside of yank a wall off the vault. I think I would pick a bank in a moderately small town for starters. Low security, plenty of room to run. Do a dig through from an empty store front next door, grab the money quick, pop a few safety deposit boxes and hit the road. Maybe wintertime so I could make an exciting snowmobile getaway. Take off through town, get on a frozen river to a waiting car parked in an obscure area. Take the car to a main road, swing into a rest stop where I have another car waiting to hit the road.
Not that I've thought about this. Just every time I go into a bank.

Putting on some miles

So I've been doing some travelling. Nothing kills imagination like an ass numbing drive. Sure it's fun to sing loud to the songs, do some chair dancing with the cruise on, hand puppets for the kids in the backseat of the car next to you, kegal exersises, jigsaw puzzles, but after a while you get a little road hypnotized.
Now that I'm home fo a bit, it's time to get some of the creativity squeezed out.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Holy shit! You are crushing my soul.

It's a good headline! Nothing is crushing my soul. If I had a soul I probably would have sold it by now. It is a bit foolish for people to think a soul would be worth so much to the devil that he (I use 'he' loosly here because 1)wrong to think of the devil in gender form and 2)the devil really doesn't exist. Duh.) would bestow some power to a mortal to get one.
If I had a soul I would use it to gain something better than awesome blues guitar skills. Why not ask for something really great? Something truly incredible. Like ESP or telekinesis. Auto lie detector, invisibility, great mocha making skill, point and orgasm, oprah, transformer ability, healing ability, communicate with animals. Fuck, really, you are going to choose something that can be done by simply alot of practice? Sell your soul to play guitar really good so you don't have to practice fo a couple hours everyday? And don't belittle the mocha making skill mentioned above. It is an inborn skill! If it were just practice, starbucks wouldn't have such shitty mochas.
People are dumb for thinking anyone would sell a soul to gain fame. No, people are jealous when they think someone would sell a soul for fame.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I am headed home. New job fail.

Okay. So I've been found out. This psychiatrist stuff is harder than I thought. One of my colleagues figured out I don't know what I'm doing. I think it was either the screaming at the autistic guy or handing out my number to the sex addicts group. Either way, it is apparently illegal to impersonate a psychiatrist. Hmm. Well, I guess I go back to accounting world tomorrow. I have a few more vacation days to burn. I wonder what driving truck is like?

Yeah, about that job...

Um, yeah... Things I've learned so far today.
1)don't call crazy people crazy
2)don't knock on their heads and yell "is anyone in there?"
3)bring in my own coffee because the stuff in the lounge is crap.
More soon

Starting a new job

Today I'm starting a new job. I've left my old job as an accountant and decided to get a new job as a psychiatrist. I really don't have any training in this. I figured any place that will hire you without checking references really shouldn't expect anyone who has actually gone to school for what they are being hired for. It turns out I will be working in a private psychiatric (did I spell that right?) ward. This should be exciting. More soon!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


So I was thinking that maybe I should write a manifesto. It does sound a bit diabolical and I like that. I wonder if people write manifestos thinking to themselves "I need to write a manifesto! So, when I'm arrested, people all over the world will know exactly what I was thinking when I mailed those bombs. It will make sense to them. They will understand and agree!". I bet they do.
What they should really have is a proof reader or editor. Someone who can change 'war pigs and lizard people' into 'the military industrial complex'. It just sounds nicer. Really someone who can shave two to three inches of crazy off the six inches of crazy lawn growing across their brain.
I think the real challenge here is going to pick a topic for this thing. Then the matter of spinning off topic as far as I can. Maybe is six or seven directions. The wrap up should be easy though. Always end with 'DIE, DIE, DIE!' or 'Vengence will be MINE!' or some bible quote like 'God wiped the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher.' Venetians 2:42.
And get a proof reader.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Bought a particle accelerator

I bought a particle accelerator today. They had themfor sale at Ax-Man. Author's note: Ax-Man is a local surplus store in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area that is so awesome, if you go there your head will explode! It won't actually explode but you will lose about two hours and come out with an iron lung and some magnets. Google that shit.
So I bought a particle accelerator today. I ha to trench out around the block to bury it so it would be sheilded a bit. Turns out the sewer system around here is gettin old and does not hold up well to trenching. Oh well.
Now that I have it buried I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. I accelerated a few particles and smashed them together. Boring.
I put squirrels into it. Boring. Poop. Boring. Carburator and a baby seat. Boring. Pie and a clown. Boring. Crash test dummies. Boring. The band Crash Test Dummies. (once, there was was this guy who, smashed a band into each other on the way back home from school. When they finally came back, they had smashed parts all over their body.)(that was that Crash Test Dummies song rewritten. Sort of.) Smashing them together was funny. Once. Second time, messy.
If you know anyone looking to buy a particle accelerator, let me know.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Being busy

Being busy really puts a damper on the old imagination. When I say old I mean all hundred and eight years of it. Sixty eight of those years I aquired by eating the brains of a recently retired university professor. Eating the brains of people gives you their power and knowledge. Everyone knows that right? So I have been busy with work and home repair stuff. Plus I'm trying to find some time to pub together decor for a hotel room at a convention. Doesn't sound like much, but I want it to be awesome! I'm thinking of building a steampunk zeplin to attach to the ceiling. One that actually shoots steam out to scald nerds. Maybe some nice lighting too. People seem to like light. Maybe a chair or two. People seem to like sitting. And a huge shot dispenser that fires alcohol into your yap using a nitrous oxide charge. Double fuckin' whammy! People seem to like a good buzz.