Gosh golly, I've been busy.

Oh, for heaven's sake, I've been a busy little beaver, for sure. Lots of things to be done before Convergence this next week. For pete's sake I'm working my bee-hind off getting things together to make those happy little souls all the happier! Those precious little geeks and geekesses, bless their little hearts, they just want to have the best gosh darn...fuck it! I really can't even type another word of that. I always picture the secretary from Ferris Bueller's Day Off when that soft language comes out. *shudders*
I do have a lot of crap to do this week. Posts will be again short and shitty as usual once Convergence is done. Suck it.

Look at this!

So, some of the traffic that comes through on my blog is diverted here from Google related sites. Stuff that provides tool to web developers and pages like that. Sometimes I get traffic from Singapore or Russia or other non-English speaking countries. I think, because so much of the web developed early on in America, much of the tool development comes from America. So, anyway, these sites offer blogs to look at while stuff is loading, which sends people to look at my crap. People who speak some, little or limited English. I can't imagine what these people think when they read my blog. Like, "what a pile of crap!" or "I don't under Stand any of this." or "This is why we hate America!" or "I'm gonna find this guy and eat his head!". That last one may have lost something in translation. Touché people from another country.

Translators

Here is what I think is wrong with scientists and their shit. They can't tell us what it means. Literally and practically. Great, you science people made a great discovery and it is awesome...to you. Then you try to tell the world and what comes out is blah blah tech blah protons blah hemoglobin (tee hee that word sounds dirty) blah riboflavin anemia blah de blah blah. Then, all the hype disappears along with the funding.
What needs to be done is a translator needs to be hired. And a PR person. And a props person. And an ideas person.
Science invests billions into research and let's the ideas die on the vine. What they need to do is put some of that money into a translator to make it understandable to the average ass hat like me. Then get an ideas person to come up with practical applications that people can get excited about. Realistic ideas that can be achieved in a year, two years, and five years out. Hire the props person to make a cool model of what it is. Build a giant DNA strand, a pretend teleporter, a giant laser, a mockup of a space telescope array for the moon, what the hell ever. People like something they can look at in three dimensions. And make it shiny. People love shiny crap. Then get the PR person to make it sound exciting even if it boring and/or dumb. Fuck, if Pajama Jeans sell, anything will if promoted well enough. Them sit back and watch the funding dollars pour in.
Simple.

Member that time? Member, member?

Hey, member that time in college? When we were drunk and you kicked the side view mirror off that car? Member? Member that time we were at the bar and you almost got into that fight? Member that time we were drunk in the park and we were rolling bums? Member that time we skipped class to get high in the parking lot? Member that time you almost won the Nobel prize? Member that time we heckled the Pope? Member that time drove the Paris to Dakkar road rally and we were totally drunk? Member that time we hot air ballooned so we could spit on people? Member that time we talked lime Canadians? Member that time we went to the casino and lost our student loan money? Member when we had to make it back by giving blow jobs in the park? Member when we flipped and burned that cop car? Member when we would drive real slow through the rich neighborhoods in my crappy car just to sweat the rich folks? Member when we rushed the stage at Lillith Fair and flashed the audience? Member when you failed that math quiz? Member that time we went to the hospital after that knife fight? Member that? Member?
Damn, I miss college.

Got some things

Got some things. Issues, if you will. I don't understand human nature. I just don't get it. I don't get when people say they know and love someone who is gay but don't think they should be allowed to marry. I don't understand when people put the word the in front of groups of people. Like The Jews or The Blacks or The Scientists. It's something I call people out on now. I don't understand how facts do not convince people of global warming. I need to do a public service announcement like the "It gets better" campaign. Only I would call it the "Fuck You" campaign.
Fuck You for being a bigot
Fuck You for thinking equality for someone else means inequality for you
Fuck You for not believing a consensus of scientists
Fuck You for belittling someone's emotions
Fuck You for being ashamed
Fuck You for being proud
Fuck You for living beyond your means
Fuck You for thinking your income is a status
Fuck You for supporting hate
Fuck You for picking religion over science
Fuck you for not having faith in humanity
Fuck You for being a glutton
Fuck You for thinking none of this applies to you
Fuck You for being sedentary in your thoughts
Fuck You for making excuses
Fuck You for letting someone else take the blame
Fuck You for taking someone elses credit
Fuck You for not saying thanks

I like it. It seems a bit over the top though. Maybe a bit preachy? I think it would quickly degrade into F U for being a hominid or F U for being Quasimodo or Quatzequatel or Quing Quong or some such thing. But maybe that would be for the better.

That last post seemed a bit off.

I think it took a turn in the middle somewhere. I may rewrite it. I may not. Probably not since I can't read. I can write, but not read sad but true. Little known disease called triplexia. Not really. I can read words. But not numbers. All my maths have to be spelled out. It's called numeroclepsia. It's not really. I can read numbers just fine. I mean I could if I had eyes. But I don't. Or a mouth. But I have three noses that act as eyes and a mouth but sadly I am unable to smell. That's just dumb. Who would believe that.

Out of town guest

This is what happens when you miss a call. The call goes to voice mail, then you forget you got a call because you're busy. After a long day at work you look at your phone and remembered yo let that call go. It's from your friend from college you haven't seen in years. Listening to the message you realize you are going to have a visitor. For the weekend. There goes your plans. You would have said something about meeting up for supper or go out for drinks, but now it is for the weekend and a guest on the couch. I go home and pull out some blankets. And wait. Two hours after the appointed time the door bell rings. I put on my best fake smile. Greetings, handshakes and a hug ensue. Come ins, a quick tour, and the small talk about renovations and remodeling. Sit downs, beers, and more small talk. Chit chat chit chat whaaaa? Getting divorced, need to find a new job, affair with the bosses secretary, boss was the father in law, DUIs, and needing a new start. Wow. Me. Flabbergasted. Ummmmm...sure, sure, sure. Heavier dutied drinks, drunken glory days memories, drunken crying, and to bed.
Next day a fresh start involving a tour around town, a good lunch, and a walk around the lake for a little head clearing. Two days later the job search and apartment search begin. It goes well with a few hopes. And no to working where I work, even temporarily. Two weeks and one interview. More drinking and less small talk. Two days later and the police are knocking on my door. I turn around and see the lack of a suitcase by the sofa. I'm thinking that maybe it's been good we haven't seen much of each other since college. Grifter, conman, professional thief, and part-time bookie. My phone is vibrating in my pocket. Am I missing anything? No. Just another phone call.

Got pulled over by the cops this morning.

On my way to work this morning I got pulled over by the police. I was at a four way stop and was turning left. Everyone was taking turns but going really slow. I stopped , waited for the guy to my right to go. Slowly, he pulls away from the stop sign. Crosses the intersection and I pull in behind him quickly. My tires chirp a bit as I round the corner. To my left is a cop parked. He was hidden from view by the building and put his lights on immidiately. He does a u turn and I am just about to turn into my parking ramp at the end of the block when he catches up to me. I pull over. He gives me a ticket for speed too fast for conditions. $142.00.
So those of you who have read my blog before are asking "Where is the action? The burning cop cars, the imminant death?". This is an actual true story from my life. Sad, but true. My job as a bounty hunter/test pilot-boring same old same old. My time in the marines as a sniper/lion trainer-dull. I can't tell you why I was a lion trainer in the Marines, but believe me, it is dredfully bland. I spent my childhood in the West Bank in Israel, moved to Germany as the wall was coming down, and went to high school in Japan at an Anime school for mutants and robot. Bland. This is why I don't tell you about my life. It's dull.

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I'm just making shit up. You can too.

Spending the day on the couch

So I am giving myself a lazy day. I am determined to stay on the couch as much as possible. I have food and drink and movies. Sigh. Lots of time to think about my life. I haven't really done alot with my life. Nothing really memorable. Maybe a bucket list is a good idea. I would start by getting off this fuckin couch. Second: probably getting a good meal. Third: have a drink that costs more than 100 bucks an ounce. Fourth: be in a movie. Fifth: steal a baby. 6) rob a store 7) eat cheese til I'm full 8) play Pac Man again. 9)see U2 live. 10)shiv a prisoner from a rival gang. 11) punch a Disney chacter at Disney world. 12)throw out a first pitch at a baseball game. 13) finish a puzzle. 14) finish a book. 15) learn woodburning. 16) get a tatoo. 17) tatoo someone else. 18) ride in a submarine. 19) try heroin. 20) fly a plane 21) hijack a plane. 22) make a few prank phone calls 23) bomb a church 24) dance in the rain. 25) burn a police car.
That is a good start to a list. I think I'll get started on that right now I've got about four pounds of cheese in the fridge. Number seven, check!

Today I have my evaluation at work

Today is my yearly evaluation at work. I have decided to take the offensive this year. Instead of being complacent and accepting what I am told about my performance as a dutiful worker, I'm going in, guns blazing. I gonna start every sentence with either "You know what your problem is?" or "And how is that my fault?"
I'll let you know how it goes.

My review went well. Here is one thing I learned. When they have a criticism, turn it around on them. Project not done in a timely manner? Well, management did not give you the proper tools to finish it on time. Something didn't work right? Obviously lack of maintenance played a big role. You punched a coworker? Obviously management didn't catch the warning signs to prevent it. You've stolen 100,000 bucks from a client? Um, maybe, um...oh, they wouldn't cover your gambling addiction with the second rate health care they provide you with. Follow that one up with a lawsuit. I finished my review off with a claim of religious discrimination. I'm an atheist so I went with "every time I sneeze I am subjected to a blessing from some god! I will not tolerate it!"
I ended up with a raise, an extra week of vacation and a new boss...me!
Ta-daa!

Comments welcome

My UFO story

I live out in the country. My closest neighbor is better than a couple forties away. In the country, a forty is a forty acre parcel of land. Not beer. It is really late and I've been out listening to a friend extol the negative virtues of being in an unstable relationship. I am tired but can't sleep because of the caffeine in my whiskey cokes. I eat some smoked fish and drink a ginger ale to calm the stomach. Ten minutes of late night TV is enough and I am off to bed. I lay with my eyes half closed. The room is in a very slight spin. I am thankful to be horizontal.
I am drifting off into the nether and through my closed lids I can see a very bright light. As I bolt up from the bed my ears are filled with the sound of air being sucked out of the room. I glance out the window in time to see a blindingly bright light race into to sky. I stumble backwards and fall against the wall. All I can see is a sunspot for the next ten minutes. I stumble to the bathroom and put water in my eyes. They itch like I have welder's flash. I can barely make out my form in the mirror. It's like looking through jello. I grab eye drops and put them in. I empty the bottle. I sit until I can read the label on the toothpaste. I am shaking and sweating. I get up and head into the spare bedroom, open the closet and grab my 30-30...and some extra shells. I go back to the bedroom and get dressed in the dark. I keep looking out the window trying to see something. I think I see a lump or movement out of the corner of my eye, but they have yet to clear up totally. I still see a sunspot. Not bad, but enough to keep me from focusing completely. I move to the living room to get a better view. I can finally focus enough to see a shape out in the field. There are wisps of smoke rising off or it with a faint glow being emitted. I put on my hunting vest and my Holden Caufield hat, grab a flashlight and open the front door. I can smell burning alfalfa and scorched earth. I take the safety off and step off the porch. The gravel of my driveway is loud under foot. I realize that my ears are ringing...only it's not in my head. It's coming from out in the field. I step out onto the dew covered grass.
I am halfway to the lump when I think I see something move. I stop. My breathing seems louder than it has ever been. My heart is beating in a stilted rhythm. I am looking as hard as I can but see nothing. I am almost up to the lump and realize it is a crater. The lump is the edge of the crater about forty feet across. It is on the backside of a small hill and I could only see the top edge. I look down into it illuminated by a quarter moon and the stars. I see the ground all around move. It did not impact. It is burrowing. I can feel the ground twisting under my feet. It is nearly already covered. I flip the flashlight on and shine it down into the hole. The twisting stops. Right near the center I can still see the polished silver body of the ship. There is a hatch opening. I am leaning backward to run and I feel a shooting pain up through my foot. I look down and see a barbed spike protruding through the top of my boot. Barbs are spreading out and covering my foot. I can't lift my foot off the ground. I point the gun down and shoot. I hit one of the barbs and nothing. The barbs are becoming tendrils wrapping their way up my leg. I lever action the spent shell out and fire at the hub in the center. Working up to my knee. Fire again. Up my thigh. Fire again. Around my waist. Fire again. Crawling up my chest. Fire again. Around my neck. Fire again. Down my arms and over my head. Click. Empty. I feel the tendrils pulling me under the earth. Into the ship. Into a sealed bag. All the air is sucked out of the bag and my lungs. I feel the label being attached over my face as I'm blacking out. Specimen 5367.
I sit up. The sun beaming through my open window. My crumpled clothes on the floor along with broken beer bottle shards. I look down and see a cut on my foot. I shut my eyes to stop the headache. It doesn't comply. I hold them closed til I fall back asleep.