Monday, August 18, 2014

Anxiety at 3 a.m.

So sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night.  My mind starts going over all the bad news of the day, the stupid things on Facebook, the mistakes I've made in my life, or any regrets I have. It takes everything in me to not relive situations I feel I should have responded better in.  It's actual term is ruminatory anxiety disorder. At least that is what my therapist called it.  He also did punch to the gut therapy which I never really thought did much.   I wonder how other people who have done much worse things sleep. 
Like Hitler or Pol Pot, or Captain Kangaroo.  How do they live with themselves?  How do they get sleep? Is the rock really just such deep self delusion? It must work on a sliding scale. Like sometimes I wake up and my anxiety revolves around something at work or if that sound was a burglar,  or if the police will piece together the clues I left behind (They won't.  None of them is Sherlock Holmes. Hell, there isn't even a Columbo in the bunch. ). If I have nothing going on my anxiety becomes more about if I set the alarm or if there is enough milk for my cereal.  I'm sure if I killed a couple million people my anxiety level would just slide to that base level. I mean,  I guess I can't test that theory. I don't even have army. Yet.

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