Reading the news

Have you ever been reading the news and really thought by the half way mark it would stop and say "just kidding! That really didn't happen. We just made that up to screw with your head. Can you imagine if that was real? That would be totally messed up! Now for the real news..."
I read the news every day and at least once I hve to check the source to make sure it isn't from The Onion. It usually has to do with politics. It's easier to believe an earthquake/tsunami/volcano/cyclone news story than the stupidity of a single person.

Something happened a long time ago on this date

A few things did apparently. Yugi-oh was the first human in space. Not the first mammal though. Before him there was a dog, some chimps, and H.G. Wells and Jules Verne, who are not a human but really aliens. We know his because their stories are autobiographies. True fact.
Also the Civil War was started on this date 150 years ago. It was started when Kaiser Souza was assasinated. The Civil War lasted 45 years and ended when Eisenhower crossed the Rhine and took Manhatten from the Indians. Not the Native Americans, but actual people from India. They were trying to trade with the Dutch. Well known fact: Americans hate the Dutch. Because of the shoes and their old potato chips.

Phone problems=posting problems

So I've had some problems with my cell service and since I post from my phone, it makes posting a bit harder. That also explains the poor grammar. And the bad editing. And the crappy writing.
So I spend thirty minutes on the phone talking to variously accented people before I talk to a guy who says "We are updating the service in that area. Your data service should be back to normal by 9:00 tomorrow morning."
AT&T wonders why their customer service is rated low.
Plus, I've been goin' all Don Quixote on the cell towers in my neighborhood. Sancho! Let's ride!

These colors don't run.

Red, white and blue. These colors don't run. Unless they are water colors. Then they will run. I once had a watercolor I made in art class and I got it wet before I put the fixative on it and the colors ran. And holy crap do you not want to get it on a white carpet! Those colors stain is What they do. Shit! Then, your mom is all like "What the he'll! Who got patriotism on my new white carpet?" and then you will be grounded for, like, two months. I mean, no Atari or Dukes Of Hazzard or Mork And Mindy (mmmmm...Pam Dauber.) or nothin! Fuck.

I drive angry

So fuck you.

Evolution

I was thinking about evolving. I'm not sure what the best evolutionary development would be though. I think about aliens and think the idea of 'Greys' is dumb. Look at them. A good shove and their big Precious Moments heads would be bouncing off the ground. Why would a race evolve that way. Dumb. More arms would be cool. Pinball would be a different game. Four buttons. Where would the extra flippers go? Devolve to get a prehensile tail? That might be handy. Pants would need another hole. That might cause chafing. A badly chafed tail might be mildly disturbing. I bet someone would make a quality tail cream that would resolve that. Probably Aveda. Better eyesight? Night vision would be good. Although living in a big city kinda makes that pointless. It's never really dark. Better smell would not be awesome. Gas station bathrooms. Nuff said. Run faster. That would be good. But I would have to make better time than driving. So better than thirty mph. That's a contender. Better taste is right out. I've had some bad things in my mouth. I don't think I would want my taste enhanced. Better hearing wouldn't help. I spend enough time trying to tune people out. A hairy coat? I've seen dudes with that already. It's not pretty. Webbed fingers and toes? I don't live close enough to water. Chameleon color change ability? There might be something there. I don't know what I would use that for though. Except to get better college funding. (that was a bit tasteless I know.) Smarter and faster probably win the day. And a tortoise like shell. And laser eyes. Fuck yeah, laser eyes.

My big secret

So, as it is, I am relatively anonomous with the blogging and the Twitter. There are two people who know who I am and probably a few more that could guess if they bothered to hunk about it. I really don't do it for any reason other than my own amusement. Plus no one bugs me for autographs or over analyzes my work. Plus, this way I can speak my mind without it coming back to haunt me.
So that is not my only secret. I can write all about hem here because of my anonymity. Like I was in the Navy and worked on covert human testing of viagra. Explains alot about the Navy, doesn't it. I was a cat juggler on an underground circus circuit. I lay one egg a day like a chicken. I pretend to be human even though I am. I can add, subtract and divide but I can't multiply numbers. I have an aversion to sporks and will never eat KFC because of it. I like the taste of rabbit food and get high if I smoke catnip. I can't back up a vehicle unless it has a trailer attached. I speak two languages, English and a Latin/Egyptian/Cherokee hybred language the when spoken angers people enough fights will break out. I can't tell a knock knock joke without ruining it. I am in the top .001 percent in IQ. The bottom .001 perctent in social ability. I thought that was because I was smart, turns out it's because I can't chew with my mouth closed due to my homemade braces. I hate James Bond films. I also never lie. My mother is a descendant of Pope Hazelhurst II and my dad I have never seen from the front.
I have alot more, but those are the highlights. Probably.